You didn’t know…

You won’t remember

but I do.

I remember.

I remember

Christmas

anger

screaming

tears

Storming up stairs

closing the door

locking it

hiding behind locked door.

 

But you didn’t know

what happened after,

did you?

 

You didn’t know that I

did not cry myself to sleep

curled into a ball.

 

No.

 

You didn’t know…

that what I really did

was sit

sit

sit

in front of the wall

below the window

in front of the bed

in the corner

in the dark.

 

And I stared.

Stared

at the empty dark wall

with a stoic face

with dried tears

with an empty soul.

 

You didn’t know

that that’s where I think I learned…

I learned…

I learned to be numb.

 

 

 

 

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I don’t know…yet.

They will ask you where you are going

you can’t say

because you don’t know

yet.

They will ask you why you are going

you can’t tell them

because you don’t know

yet.

They will ask you why don’t you know where and why

yet?

You should know!

You should know…

But

you know you should know…

but you don’t.

You will want to cry…

…scream

….tell them to stop….

they are scaring you,

scaring you,

because you don’t know

and you should.

And you should.

If you stop for a moment,

and breathe

in

out

you will know to tell them

to fuck off.

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If you try to hard…

THE harder we strive to attain our ideal self,

the further away it seems to be,

and the wider the grief that exists between it

and our real selves.

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Heart broken

They will tell you

that you are stupid

they will tell you that you are dumb

they will tell you that you are hopeless

confused

unworthy

unfocused

shit

They will tell you.

and it will leave you

heart broken

broken heart.

And you will beg

beg

for

them

to give

give your heart,

to give your heart

a

break.

 

 

 

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Full Up…

When I think about it, I can see the root of my problem.

I can see that I don’t try to change hard enough because in my heart, I don’t think I deserve it.

There are people in my life that would beat me down to submission,

telling me they don’t have a good life,

they don’t have happiness,

they don’t have peace

and, thus

I shouldn’t either.

I don’t deserve it.

And so instead,

instead,

I eat, I binge,

I full up

through tears,

through anger

through sadness

I full up

because I cannot handle the anger, the jealously, the backlash

of trying to be

someone

better.

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I’m Scared

Good God

I’m scared

Every day it’s more of the same

Every day I say it’s the last day I’ll abuse my body

…but I lie

…I panic

…I surrender to the binging, the food, the pain,

I surrender.

It’s too late

it’s too late…

I’m too late

to ever ever ever

be good enough again.

I’m ruined.

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Pleasure and Pain

“THE only thing that made me feel better about myself was eating…

THE only thing that made me feel worse about myself was more eating.”

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