Tag Archives: family

I hate that you…

I hate that you

made me think that I was weak

that I was meek

that I was childish

that I was a child

as an adolescent

as an adult

.

I hate that you made me

make me

feel useless

worthless

.

But now,

now…

that you are scared

that you are older

that you are getting old…

you are afraid

.

You are afraid

of being alone

and stuck

with no one

nothing

no help…alone

.

And now,

now…

you turn to me.

Now,

now,

you want my help.

You cry,

you pine,

you hint

hint hint hint

damn your hints

damn them.

Damn you.

Damn you…for thinking

thinking that you

can turn around

and want me now…

when you don’t want me,

but you want something for yourself.

It’s about you.

Always about you.

Well damn you.

Damn you.

You’ve fucked me over,

you’ve fucked me up,

fuck you.

STOP IT. STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD. STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD, STUCK, ALONE.

THAT I WILL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING OR ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL BE STUCK WITH YOU.

THAT’S NOT FAIR.

THAT’S NOT FAIR.

please…please…please dear Jesus…stop…leave me alone…leave me alone…

leave me

please

leave

me

.

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You didn’t know…

You won’t remember

but I do.

I remember.

I remember

Christmas

anger

screaming

tears

Storming up stairs

closing the door

locking it

hiding behind locked door.

 

But you didn’t know

what happened after,

did you?

 

You didn’t know that I

did not cry myself to sleep

curled into a ball.

 

No.

 

You didn’t know…

that what I really did

was sit

sit

sit

in front of the wall

below the window

in front of the bed

in the corner

in the dark.

 

And I stared.

Stared

at the empty dark wall

with a stoic face

with dried tears

with an empty soul.

 

You didn’t know

that that’s where I think I learned…

I learned…

I learned to be numb.

 

 

 

 

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