Tag Archives: Fear

I hate that you…

I hate that you

made me think that I was weak

that I was meek

that I was childish

that I was a child

as an adolescent

as an adult

.

I hate that you made me

make me

feel useless

worthless

.

But now,

now…

that you are scared

that you are older

that you are getting old…

you are afraid

.

You are afraid

of being alone

and stuck

with no one

nothing

no help…alone

.

And now,

now…

you turn to me.

Now,

now,

you want my help.

You cry,

you pine,

you hint

hint hint hint

damn your hints

damn them.

Damn you.

Damn you…for thinking

thinking that you

can turn around

and want me now…

when you don’t want me,

but you want something for yourself.

It’s about you.

Always about you.

Well damn you.

Damn you.

You’ve fucked me over,

you’ve fucked me up,

fuck you.

STOP IT. STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD. STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD, STUCK, ALONE.

THAT I WILL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING OR ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL BE STUCK WITH YOU.

THAT’S NOT FAIR.

THAT’S NOT FAIR.

please…please…please dear Jesus…stop…leave me alone…leave me alone…

leave me

please

leave

me

.

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And it said…

 

FORGET the past.

DARE to dream that you are more than the sum of your circumstances.

Expect

the

best.

.

.

.

.

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Can’t do it…

Can’t do it anymore

can’t do it

tried

trying

tried

gave up

gave in

why

why

why

no excuses

no excuses

it’s weak

taking the easy way out

I take the easy way out

because the hard way

is

too

damn

hard

……

but the truth is

that the hard way

is too damn hard for me.

and I’m too big of a wimp

to have faith

to try

to say

fuck you to that which harms me

instead

I give in

….

what i eat….

is actually

eating

me.

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You didn’t know…

You won’t remember

but I do.

I remember.

I remember

Christmas

anger

screaming

tears

Storming up stairs

closing the door

locking it

hiding behind locked door.

 

But you didn’t know

what happened after,

did you?

 

You didn’t know that I

did not cry myself to sleep

curled into a ball.

 

No.

 

You didn’t know…

that what I really did

was sit

sit

sit

in front of the wall

below the window

in front of the bed

in the corner

in the dark.

 

And I stared.

Stared

at the empty dark wall

with a stoic face

with dried tears

with an empty soul.

 

You didn’t know

that that’s where I think I learned…

I learned…

I learned to be numb.

 

 

 

 

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I don’t know…yet.

They will ask you where you are going

you can’t say

because you don’t know

yet.

They will ask you why you are going

you can’t tell them

because you don’t know

yet.

They will ask you why don’t you know where and why

yet?

You should know!

You should know…

But

you know you should know…

but you don’t.

You will want to cry…

…scream

….tell them to stop….

they are scaring you,

scaring you,

because you don’t know

and you should.

And you should.

If you stop for a moment,

and breathe

in

out

you will know to tell them

to fuck off.

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Heart broken

They will tell you

that you are stupid

they will tell you that you are dumb

they will tell you that you are hopeless

confused

unworthy

unfocused

shit

They will tell you.

and it will leave you

heart broken

broken heart.

And you will beg

beg

for

them

to give

give your heart,

to give your heart

a

break.

 

 

 

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