Tag Archives: sadness

He’s in Love…

Tonight I found out

that

…he’s in love.

He’s in love

but

she

is

not

me.

To be fair

he didn’t know

I loved him

…I suppose.

I suppose. To be fair.

But…

tell that to my heart.

The heart doesn’t understand what is fair.

It only understands

that it

hurts.

It only understands

that it hurts

that love hurts.

And it asks

why.

why

why

why

do you do this to your heart

?

why

do you put it through such pain

?

why

.

leave it alone.

and so eventually it learns to stop loving

to stop feeling

so it doesn’t risk the hurt again.

it grows cold.

it goes dead.

you grow jaded

you go rigid.

guarded.

you guard your heart.

Stay out damn love, stay out damn hurt, stay out

stop feeling, stop thinking, stop wanting, stop hoping, stop willing

stop stop stop

it only aches

it

only

aches.

Maybe,

no,

it is

all that you

deserve.

And you say,

heart, damn heart…I’m sorry…

I’m sorry for bestowing this grief unto you.

What did I do…what have I done

to harm you?

I’ve done too much

not enough.

I’ve wronged.

And you

must pay

the penance.

Be still my heart.

Be still.

I will guard you and keep out the love that hurts you.

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You didn’t know…

You won’t remember

but I do.

I remember.

I remember

Christmas

anger

screaming

tears

Storming up stairs

closing the door

locking it

hiding behind locked door.

 

But you didn’t know

what happened after,

did you?

 

You didn’t know that I

did not cry myself to sleep

curled into a ball.

 

No.

 

You didn’t know…

that what I really did

was sit

sit

sit

in front of the wall

below the window

in front of the bed

in the corner

in the dark.

 

And I stared.

Stared

at the empty dark wall

with a stoic face

with dried tears

with an empty soul.

 

You didn’t know

that that’s where I think I learned…

I learned…

I learned to be numb.

 

 

 

 

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