I want you to read the About page for more information relevant to the writing of this blog. But I felt compelled to write another page briefly to discuss the intent of the blog. It’s not meant to be about me or particularly addiction specific. Personally, I really don’t like those blogs that go into too much detail about a person’s own life (particularly if it refers to addictive and disordered behaviors) because, truthfully, they can be very triggering for some people. It is never, ever my intention to do that.
I also feel that writing too much about painful issues in your life – and life in general – can actually bring you down more. To truly heal, grow, change and live life, well, you need to need to do just that: live. Try new things. Try old things. Make mistakes. Feel pain. Feel happy. Feel…things. Deal with it. Get over it.
Case in point: I hard it hard, and thus avoid, reading blogs about girls, men and women who follow extremely restrictive diets or go to extremes (with most things in life really). No matter if it’s for vanity, illness or health reasons, I really struggle with not comparing myself to others and how much willpower or strength they have. As someone with little self-control and BED, it brings up more feelings of guilt and shame. I know this is my problem and my own insecurities and issues. Remember: even if the other person isn’t healthy or is just getting on your nerves, let it go. Don’t keep that negative energy in your life.
It does get easier though. First of all, don’t read things or be around people that you have problems with, that just bother you or bring you down. Seriously, don’t read it, don’t leave a comment, just leave – it’s just one blip in the world. One blog, one website, one book, one TV show, one magazine, etc. in the world and there are a million more different ones out there that are healing and healthy for you. So don’t think you are wrong or chastise yourself for not being like everybody else. Not true.
Important: As detailed in the Addiction post, I am not a recovered addict guru – not even close. In fact, I am only just facing these feelings head on now (well, it’s been happening for years I guess). That makes me feel even lower and more worthless in the sense that I’ll say one thing, but am doing another. But hiding behind feelings and pretending they don’t exist aren’t conducive to healing. Actually, I think that jumping completely out of your skin and traveling the world might be the only thing that will heal you because it will take you out of your head and inane thoughts. But, I see no tickets in the future. And, truthfully, we all know that’s still not the answer.
Remember: pain is your own responsibility.
Henceforth, my point was to simply say that the blog is many things, but mainly:
An outlet for writing.
An outlet to laugh or think. Or cry.
I may write it just before or after a binge or crying – and then feel like a fraud – but I’m trying to remember that the binge is not me. I still have feelings, dreams and thoughts and am entitled to them. Just because I haven’t stopped that yet doesn’t mean this might not be a step towards it.
And…if I keep waiting for the binging, for the disordered behavior to be over…then I’ll be waiting a long, long time.
You cannot wait to live your life.
Maybe if you start doing the things you want to do – while still caught in the midst of addiction or not being your true, best you with the clearest mind and healthiest body -…maybe, those behaviors will start to slip away on their own.
At least, that’s what I hope because I have not choice at this point.
Don’t wait for the wounds to be healed. You will need to forge and struggle through numerous battles with the wounds until you reach the place of healing and safety. And, you will be the stronger for it.